My high school class is not one of those who have regular reunions. We had one 10 years after graduation, then nothing. So, I was surprised – and delighted – to get an invitation to celebrate our 51^st with the note “better late than never.”

My class was small, about 90 students. There were 47 people scheduled to attend, including some spouses. I was attending solo, having divorced 10 years ago.

I didn’t know what to expect but sincerely wanted to reconnect with these people from a very formative part of my life. I’m so glad I did. I live five hundred miles away and it was worth the journey.

Here are some of the takeaways.

Connect with People Now, Don’t Wait

One of the first things I saw was a table with framed senior class pictures of 13 of my classmates who had died. This was very tastefully done – the photos were artfully arranged and surrounded by electric votive lights.

I was unaware of most of the deaths and had to inquire about how and when those people had lost their lives. Cancer was the major factor, and having had cancer myself, it gave me pause.

I regretted not knowing when my classmates had passed; I could have sent condolences to their families. Several had been dead for many years. I wondered what else they might have done had they lived longer.

Truly then, there is no point delaying reconnecting with people. We only have so much time.

Go to the Reunions!

The reunion committee worked very hard to track people down. After all, it had been 40+ years since they last did this! They shared their disappointment that many had chosen not to come and join us.

I still wonder what could have dictated that decision. Had the non-attendees not enjoyed high school? Or perhaps they felt they were too far past it? Or were they simply disinterested?

What I do know is that they really missed on this gathering. There were tears and laughter and time to think about how we were formed as individuals during those years we spent together in high school.

Perspective matters; it adds depth and context to our life view. I’m very grateful to the reunion planning committee for making this possible.

Check the Eyes

The committee printed out nametags with our then-senior picture and name. This really helped with identification.

Obviously, our high school looks were long gone, but I found that looking into people’s eyes allowed me to picture them just as they had been when we were young.

We all might be heavier, shorter, and more wrinkled, but the eyes? There I could see the spirit of the person I knew way back when.

Some People Never Change – But Others Do!

My classmates are just as smart, kind, and funny as they were back in the day. Some of us became exactly what we thought we would. Others did a complete turnabout and perhaps even surprised themselves. But they were all still really interesting people.

Shared Memories Are Treasures

It was a night of “remember the time when…” and “what about the time….” One memory lead to another and another and for a while we were all back in high school. We didn’t just recall the high points, we noted the sad times as well. High school, like life, had its ups and downs.

Everybody Experiences Tough Times

Down the road some of us divorced, some were widowed, some lost children, some had health issues, or career or financial setbacks. Some stories were hard to share. But the consistent responses were sympathy, compassion, and understanding. There was no judgment.

All the people who had come were genuinely pleased to see everyone else, genuinely interested in the person and their life. Our life paths separated 51 years ago, and now converged again and we found ourselves more similar than different. Perhaps a bit wiser too?

I just know that I laughed. I cried. I reminisced. I mourned. I gained perspective. I experienced gratitude. I was inspired. And I definitely want to see them all again!

Most women our age can readily tell you which part of their body they are most self-conscious about or feel is their least attractive. For years we were deluged with stories, articles, and advice about how to fix whatever was wrong.

For me, it was my belly. I would read headlines like: “Flatten your belly in 10 days!” “Lose the belly weight,” “How to have a flat stomach,” and “How to dress to hide your belly!” And how many of us read the advice to always “hold-in your stomach”?

Body Positivity

But things are changing. As part of being an entrepreneur in my 60s, I have contact with numerous millennials. Many of them are advocates of something they call Body Positivity. It has been a revelation to talk with them about this, so I thought I’d share what I learned with the Sixty and Me community.

Here are a few tenants of body positivity:

• Accept and appreciate the body you have.
• Help others feel comfortable with their bodies.
• Know that beauty comes in all sizes.
• Know that our bodies do change in relation to age and circumstance (pregnancy, illness, exercise, dietary changes, menopause, etc.).
• Believe all bodies are miraculous.
• Accept responsibility for your body; treat it with love and care. (This does not mean conforming to a certain size culturally deemed appropriate.)
• Love yourself and your body.
• Care for your body via appropriate rest, good nutrition, exercise, appreciation.
• Know you can be fit and healthy without being an exact size.

I thought about this for a long time and wondered how it would manifest for me, a woman in my 60s, having had a partial mastectomy, and still struggling with feeling good in my own skin. So, I created a list of my top 10 body positivity tips.

Five Things to Stop Doing

Many of us have gone down the negative thought spiral for way too long. Here are five things I suggest you stop doing:

#1: Stop Thinking Media Images Are Accurate

In the past, we heard about photos of models being “air brushed” by the magazine. Today, images are changed in a myriad of ways.

We can no longer assume the images are an accurate portrayal of the person behind the camera. In fact, I think it is better to err on the side of assuming they have been enhanced in some way.

#2: Stop Accepting Anyone Else’s Opinion or Judgment About Your Body

People seem to feel free to make comments and suggestions without being asked. Maybe they think it’s for “your own good.” I have decided I will no longer accept any unwanted advice or criticism. I don’t feel a need to push back. I simply ignore them.

#3: Stop Being So Self-Critical

We are often harder on ourselves than anyone else ever might be. I have recently adopted a self-listening practice. When I hear myself say, or even think, a harsh thought, I stop and remind myself to be affirming not harsh.

#4: Stop Waiting for My Body to Change in Some Way to Be Acceptable

I buy clothes that fit and complement my body as it is. Do not wait until those extra 10 pounds are off before buying a new dress. Buy the dress now. If it is one size up, so what? Love that dress and rock wearing it.

Do not think you have to tone your arms before you can even think about wearing something sleeveless. Keep working on toning your arms to increase strength and enjoy the accompanying muscle definition, but go sleeveless now.

#5: Stop Being Critical or Judgmental of Other Women’s Bodies

Again, do some self-monitoring. You might be surprised by how often you are criticizing other women. As you strive to be less self-critical, also strive to be less others-critical. If you are with a group that engages in this kind of critical talk, disengage.

Just don’t participate or change the subject to something more uplifting. If that doesn’t work, either leave the situation or speak up, saying something like, “I try not judge other women’s bodies.”

Five Things to Start Doing

Eliminating the negative is best done by engaging the positive. Try reframing your mind around these five positive actions:

#1: Start Looking for Media Images and Articles That Support Women’s Natural Beauty

We are seeing more models in a broader range of sizes. We are also seeing commercials using real women as opposed to professional models.

Women of all sizes have started posting their photos on Instagram, and though sometimes there may be critical or cruel comments, there’s always pushback in support of the brave woman. Patronize companies that have a wide range of sizes available and promote body positivity. Let your dollars reflect your beliefs.

#2: Start Accepting and Loving Your Body as It Is

I will never be a size 10 or even 12 again. So what? I can still choose clothing that reflects and celebrates who I am as a woman right now. I no longer avoid colors or prints that might make me look “too big.” I love color and I love prints and have found beautiful pieces in each.

#3: Start Monitoring Your Thoughts and Words and Turn the Negatives into Positives

I practice turning statements around. For example, I take, “My belly is too big, nothing looks right on me. No one makes clothes that fit and flatter me.”

Then I turn it around to, “I am curvy in lots of places that can enhance my clothing style and so are many other women. There are plenty of options out there now. I am going to choose outfits that make me look and FEEL good.”

#4: Start Noticing What Is Right About My Body as Opposed to What “Needs Improvement”

Instead of obsessing about my belly, I am going to celebrate my slim ankles and toned calves and buy some amazing shoes.

I have strong shoulders and a nice neck. I am going to show them off by wearing fitted sleeves and open necklines. I have gorgeous green eyes and will choose outfits that bring out that color.

#5: Start Noticing What Is Lovely About Other Women’s Bodies and Appearance, and When Appropriate, TELL Them!

I have adopted a new practice of speaking up when I see something lovely about another woman. It can be as simple as, “That scarf really complements your outfit.” Or, “I love your dress, you look beautiful.” Or “I love seeing a woman wear a hat with such style.” Or, “That necklace is so unique, how lovely!”

Or, if it is someone I know has been working out, I’d say, “Wow I can really see definition in your arms.” It is interesting to note the woman’s response. Some struggle with accepting the compliment and want to brush it off. Some are surprised and pleased. So many return a big smile and just say, “Thank you!”

I don’t mind getting older. I see it as a privilege and want to appreciate it fully. Yet, I find myself pushing back against things that “old” people do. For example, I just had my second eye surgery – the first one was done last August.

Fighting Terminology

Note that I said “eye surgery” and not “cataract surgery.” I realized that in my mind cataract surgery sounds like an old person kind of thing whereas eye surgery has a younger ring to it. Perhaps like Lasik surgery to avoid wearing glasses.

When I went into my surgeon’s office the afternoon of my operation to have the eye patch removed and for a post-op check, I burst into laughter. There, in a row, were nine people with patches on one eye.

The silver hair, or no hair, of the folks lined up in the waiting room had me thinking: Face it, Jude, cataract surgery IS done on older people.

Great New Vision

I always try to find the sweet spot in any experience. The upside of this one is that now I can, for the first time in my life, drive without glasses.

This is a marvel. I was used to turning my head and neck to get full perspective as I drove because my frames limited my peripheral vision. Now I just turn my head slightly and can see so much more – a definite perk!

I have also committed to not balk before any experience from now on, even when something makes me feel sad or miserable.

Needing Reading Glasses

The downside to my eye surgery is that I can no longer read without glasses. My prescription lenses were bifocals, but when I was in bed with the book on my chest, I could read without them. I am grieving this loss.

So how to turn this around? Well, my prescription glasses were about six hundred dollars a pair. Thus, I only had two, and only replaced them every few years when my insurance would partially pay for new ones. To economize, I always selected a frame that was not too trendy so it would last longer.

Readers, on the other hand, can be found as cheap as a dollar to $25 a pair. I can choose frames to match my outfit and they can be as trendy as I like because they are easily replaceable. This is a clear upside and a balm to my desire to look stylish.

A New Problem Arose

But, as it happens, I wasn’t used to readers. I kept losing the darn things. Unlike my prescription glasses, which I wore all the time, I only need these for close work. I am constantly leaving them somewhere. In the first two weeks I misplaced four pairs!

I tried the neck chains, but can you think of anything less fashionable?

The Right Solution Always Exists

Imagine my surprise when I went shopping in my favorite boutique and saw this very creative magnetic eyeglass holder. It’s held by a pair of magnets and doesn’t damage my clothes, even silk blouses.  

These holders come in a variety of shapes and colors: hearts, fleur de lis, crystal stones, starfish, turtles, an artist’s palette, and more! I think they’re a brilliant and fashionable idea for those of us who manage to lose our readers much too often!

Adjusting to a New Type of Aging

I am gradually adjusting to needing a pair of readers on hand. I have about a dozen now, placed all around the house and in my purses. I am still shopping; I found a gorgeous teal blue pair today.

Dr. Christiane Northrup, who wrote Goddesses Never Age, says we are all growing older, no control over the calendar, but we can make choices as to how we age. I am aiming for gracefully, in excellent health, and with style! How about you?

I am a writer and I am an extrovert – not the usual trait combination. Most of my writer friends are introverts. When we go to a gathering of any kind, I look out into the crowd, think “new friends,” and plunge in with joy and gusto. They look for a quiet corner and begin to plan their escape.

It is not that I don’t also enjoy being alone; I do. Every writer needs long periods of solitude to get the work done, but I savor the energy of a crowd and come away fueled with ideas to explore during those quiet times.

A Writer’s Confession

So, while we are advised to practice social distancing, my introverted colleagues are in their happy place. I am feeling isolated in a not-so-happy way. I miss being in public places where I can practice a trick every writer uses for inspiration: eavesdropping!

In lines, restaurants, grocery stores, on public transportation, well everywhere really, people talk to one another and say the juiciest things! I always have my phone and a small notebook with me to either dictate a voice memo or jot down what I overheard.

Then I use these as prompts to inspire the muse when stuck or as the basis for the story triggered in my mind. For example, “As soon as I met his mother, I knew why he needed fixing.” Plenty to build on there! I miss that inspiration.

Video chats, Facebook, Netflix, and hugging my dogs helps but after a week of seclusion I am starting to feel not myself and my productivity is plummeting. What to do?

Time for a mindset shift! I realized I need to change the way I perceive this isolation. So, I did a little self-coaching and came up with these three tips to shift my thinking.

See the Love

This isolation is an act of love. All around the world people are staying in their homes with the sole purpose of stopping the spread of the virus. That is beautiful! A literal global circle of people united for one purpose.

I am leaning into the energy of that!

It is helped by the videos of people singing from their balconies in Italy, the thunder of clapping at 8 PM in Spain every night to thank and encourage the health care providers, by the dolphins back in the canals in Venice, by the pollution reduction in large USA cities, and by the thousands of ways people are stepping up to make masks, set up phone calls for people living alone, and switching Tiny Libraries to Tiny Food Banks.

So much love! I am grateful and inspired. With this shift, my mood lifts and my creativity surges.

Savor the Silence

I replace the eavesdropping with attention to silence. I’m turning off the television, the radio, and the computer, even my play lists. Now, I listen. What I used to believe was silence, is not. I hear the birds singing outside my window and I am reminded that spring is here, the time of rebirth and renewal.

I hear sounds in my home that I do not usually process. I am aware of my furnace and the reassuring sound of warm air being gently pumped into every room. I hear one of my dogs whimper softly and look up to see her paws moving. She is dreaming.

Those soft sounds remind me of her devoted companionship and unconditional love. She is always at my feet as I write. I hear a truck in my cul-de-sac and know mail and deliveries are still happening. I am not alone. Living creatures surround me, and I am safe and warm. My home is my atelier.

Change One Word

This is one of the simplest mindset strategies yet one of the most powerful. Change just one word, change have to get. When you make that substitution, the thought that follows shifts. Here are a few of my changes:

“I have to stay home because of forced isolation policies.”

became

“I get to stay home and help stop the spread of the virus.”

“I have to cancel all my outside appointments.”

became

“I get to reschedule all my outside appointments and now have huge blocks of time for my writing.”

“I have to stop eating out with my friends.”

became

“I get to order delivery and support my favorite restaurants.”

We can’t pretend there is not a worldwide pandemic. We can’t change that our lives are altered. We can’t deny that it will take time to recover.

But we can choose how we think about it, how we frame it, what our mindset is. And in choice there is power. I am choosing to see the love, savor the silence, and change one word to open the door to the muse, beckon her in, and write.

My son Brendan and I shared a deep love for our three animal companions: our Yorkie Lottie Ann, and our pair of Coton de Tulear, Lucie and Luckie. They are family, and Bren referred to them as his sisters. He was responsible for giving them their breakfast at 6:00 am, and then taking them outside into our yard. The yard is just below my bedroom window, and I could hear him talking to them, laughing, calling their names, and encouraging them to “Go!”

My son died in December. I will never forget that first morning when I had to care for them. As I watched them go outside to “do their business” before I fed them, I cried so hard, missing my boy. As I scooped their kibble, I thought about how his hands had touched this scoop last and would never do so again. The ache in me was crushing. At just that moment, as I turned to pile Lucie’s food into her dish, she did a vertical leap into the air, and I could hear my son’s laugh and him saying, “Mom, look at the cute thing Lucie does when she sees her food!”

I knew then that Bren would be with me always. I knew then that these girls would help me grieve and help me learn to live without him and still experience joy. They stuck closely by my side for weeks following his death. If I was sitting on the couch, they would position themselves so each of them was touching my body. And I know they grieved too. Lucie made a soft sound, something between a sigh and a moan for days. I knew just how she felt.

Assuming the feeding duties for them gave me something I had to get up and do when I was not sure I could even get out of bed. They literally kept me going. They gave me unconditional love and support, not abandoning my side even when I was consumed by gut-wrenching sobs. They did funny things that I know my son found delightful that reminded me to laugh and stay in the moment. They reminded me that I am alive, that I am not alone, and that there is still joy to be experienced. And for that, I am grateful.